tran·quil·i·ty - the quality or state of being calm.

[apostasy]

Anders only dimly remembered being caught. It had been such a stereotypical stormy night. He remembered being soaked and weak as hunger had made his entire body feel like it was weighed down. He remembered that he had been feeling that, but he couldn't exactly recall exactly what it felt like. It seemed so far away.

He could remember fighting, killing some of them, and struggling against all of their attacks despite the futility. He remembered panicking when they told him what they had in store for him. He just couldn't remember why he had been so worried. Even the panic seemed so far away.

His entire body rocked as his Caretaker finished with what he was doing and then rolled off of him. It was strange, how his mind wandered back to that night when he with the older man.

"Clean up and get dressed," the Caretaker said as he got up. "You're expected downstairs."

Anders obeyed because orders were easy things to focus on. He was dimly aware that he had been so afraid of being used this way, before. It just couldn't filter through as to why. Even now, it seemed more of a chore than anything.

The robes that had been laid out for him were form fitting and light. They hugged his body and showed off how thin he really was. He had on a gold collar too, something the Caretaker had put on him long ago and told him never to remove. He pulled up his hair and got most of it out of his face. Moving it exposed the brand on his forehead. He remembered being so upset over the idea of having one, and now it seemed so normal, expected.

Downstairs was the research library. They were looking into stronger ways to Silence mages without branding them and Anders had been invaluable with the process.

Everyone around him seemed to find that terribly funny, but Anders couldn't respond to their snickering. He could do anything other than what he was told.

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[pinprick]

Nathaniel nods and helps him mount. Nestles him between his arms again, as he should be. The rest of the day and night is spent well off the road, as horses and wagons come to investigate the pillar of smoke. Anders is free to sleep while they ride, but Nathaniel can't. He won't feel free to sleep for a while yet.

It's when they make it to the first town that he seems to relax. Their papers, all very official-looking as Nathaniel had them prepared, identify them as Jack Miter and Aidan Mac Comas, and they are let through the gates without a fuss.

"They're looking for an arsonist," the guard apologizes. "We're supposed to check everyone coming through."

Nathaniel frowns thoughtfully. "I saw some great cloud of smoke away to the southish," he grunts. "They think it a fellow who'll run all this way?"

The guard shrugs helplessly. "I wouldn't know. I do as I'm told." He nods them through.

Nathaniel gets them a room and food, and insists on eating in public where they can be seen to be innocent. He sends Anders to the room to rest first, and joins him an hour or so later.

"Well," he says lowly as he shuts the door, "rumor has it someone burned down that tower to murder you."

[apostasy]

Anders slept off and on during the trip and had been Tranquil all day. He's sitting on the bed when Nathaniel comes in and looks up at him, face still passive.

"That means you are not in danger," he pointed out. There wasn't any hope in that, or even a sign that Nathaniel's safety was something he really cared about. He was mostly stating a fact. "As long as they do not discover the lie."

[pinprick]

"It also means you are in less danger, if they truly think you are dead. But it could be a rumor spread to make us overconfident. Stay in character. You are Aidan Mac Comas for now, unless it's just you and me."

He sits on the bed and releases a long, weary sigh. Maker, he is ready for sleep.

[apostasy]

Anders accepts that and looks down at his hands. "Should I wash this off?" he asks, about the paint and the stuff in his hair. He had kept it because he hadn't been told to clean it off and it wasn't so uncomfortable as to make him think he should take it off.

[pinprick]

"Only if you want to. I'll have to reapply it when we wake up anyway."

[apostasy]

Anders got up and cleaned himself off. He watched his face in the mirror has became more and more himself. Finally, he was mostly blond again. They'd have to get some kind of stronger soap to get all of the gray out.

He turned to look back at Nathaniel. "We should both sleep," he said and then started to sit on the floor so he could sleep there.

[pinprick]

Nathaniel reached out and beckoned somewhat impatiently.

"You should sleep in the bed. Maker. Even if I have to sleep on the floor. Do you think you'll...mind, if you wake up feeling yourself again, or...?"

He's not sure how to obtain permission from someone who can't give permission. Maybe he should sleep on the floor just to be safe.

"Never mind. Take the bed."

He grabbed an extra blanket and slid to the floor.

[apostasy]

"We have shared a bed before," he pointed out. He didn't have a concept of feeling weird about that so he thought it made sense that if Nathaniel wanted him in the bed they could share.

Still, he rose and made his way to it. He wasn't self-less enough in this state to insist on Nate taking it. That and he was pretty sore. Even a Tranquil can feel pain.

[pinprick]

He just doesn't want Anders waking up in a panic to find someone in bed with him. But he stays as close to the bed as possible and falls asleep quickly.

[apostasy]

Anders sleeps peacefully for the first few hours. Tranquil aren't supposed to dream, cut from the Fade as they are, but while he's sleeping Justice is able to try and push through again.

Anders wakes up as Justice stitches part of himself back together and cries out in pain. He's not panicked about the presence of someone else in the room so much as the imagery that was crammed into his head all at once for the moment that Justice was successful.

He rolls onto his side and curls up. Once hand moves around his head and he tries to force himself to not cry. He hasn't cried since he was 12. He had demanded that of himself, to never let them see him cry. In that moment, though, it just seems so crowded in his head and chest that he isn't sure what else he could do.

[pinprick]

The cry awakens Nathaniel abruptly, and before he can even pry his eyes open he is groping for Anders.

"I'm here," he mumbles, finding a hand and grasping it. "It's me, it's Nathaniel. I'm here."

[apostasy]

Anders shifts and grips onto Nathaniel, arms moving around his shoulders. The angle is very awkward and they flop over uncomfortably. Still, the closeness calms him down and lets him regain control of himself. He's breathing heavily but the panic slowly moves back.

Slowly, he lets up enough to let Nathaniel get more comfortable in the bed but doesn't let go completely to make it clear that Nathaniel being on the bed is what he wants.

[pinprick]

"All right." Nathaniel grabs his pillow and climbs into bed, getting comfortable before settling with his arms tightly around Anders. Now that he's a little more conscious, he is incredibly relieved that Anders is back again. It proves that the first time wasn't a fluke, that he isn't gone forever.

"I'm here," he murmurs against his ear. "You're finally safe."

[apostasy]

Anders nods and settles against him, pressing into Nathaniel's body because the shape of him is comforting and strong.

"I love you," he says, quickly, because he doesn't know how long this will last and he doesn't want to miss out on saying it while he can.

[pinprick]

"I love you too," Nathaniel whispers, touching their foreheads. "Even when you're Tranquil, I love you. We will make it through this."

He may not get much sleep tonight, but it's a worthwhile sacrifice if he can have some time with Anders.

"Do you want me to sleep next to you from now on, in case this happens again?"

[apostasy]

"Yes please," he says. He sighs a bit, taking comfort in the fact that Nathaniel is a good man who would never lie about this. The sensation of being loved is one he wants to keep for as long as possible.

"Though you're such a gentleman for taking the floor," and that part has a bit of a teasing tone to it, even though his smile is still muted by the emotions he's feeling, the teasing is a good sign.

[pinprick]

Maker, it is good to hear Anders tease. Nathaniel gives a suppressed laugh, unvoiced, almost just a sharp exhalation.

"I didn't want to assume you gave me permission."

He hesitates, then kisses Anders lightly on the lips.

[apostasy]

Anders returns the kiss but pulls back from it quickly. "I'm sorry," he mutters after a moment, as his head is still too crammed with everything he could have been feeling since being made Tranquil, including the fear of intimacy that's creeping in.

[pinprick]

"No, it's all right." Nathaniel feels immediately guilty. Of course it's too soon. He pulls him close instead. "Take all the time you need. I won't try that again till you ask me."

How many times had someone forced themselves on Anders now, with Anders unable to give resistance or consent? Perhaps not just the Caretaker, either. How perfect a victim was a Tranquil! Nathaniel finds himself seeing them all very differently now. They're all someone's loved one, as vulnerable as children.

[apostasy]

Anders sighs and shakes his head. "No. I'm sorry for getting caught, for not fighting harder. You shouldn't have to deal with seeing me like this. I know it's not easy."

He tries really hard not to think of Karl and fails.

[pinprick]

"I'm sorry I didn't protect you. I'm sorry for choosing the place I did to meet you. I'm sorry I didn't find you earlier."

There. He brushes hair away from Anders' face.

"It doesn't matter how hard you fought. They are the ones who did this, not you. And when I fell in love with you, I chose to shoulder all your future troubles. You didn't do anything wrong. There's nothing to blame you for."

[apostasy]

"You're the only person who would ever say such a thing to me," he pointed out. Even Hawke, for all that he cared for Anders, had blamed him of quite a bit when they got down to it. He was just very good at masking it and focusing on making things right.

[pinprick]

"Then I'll be the first telling you the truth. This. Wasn't. Your. Fault. Maker, I've only been part of this a day and a half, and I can tell there isn't a person alive or dead who deserves what you're going through. Maferath himself didn't deserve what you're going through."

[apostasy]

Anders chuckled a bit but the sound was slightly hollow. He sounded a little exhausted. "Do you remember those statues that the Commander found in the woods? The ones that said his betrayal was necessary and that he had repented later in life?"

[pinprick]

A slow release of breath. "Don't. Right now I want to kill everyone with anything to do with the Chantry and I cannot. Or are you saying you've...?"

Repented? Maker, wouldn't anyone, after this?