tran·quil·i·ty - the quality or state of being calm.

[apostasy]

Anders only dimly remembered being caught. It had been such a stereotypical stormy night. He remembered being soaked and weak as hunger had made his entire body feel like it was weighed down. He remembered that he had been feeling that, but he couldn't exactly recall exactly what it felt like. It seemed so far away.

He could remember fighting, killing some of them, and struggling against all of their attacks despite the futility. He remembered panicking when they told him what they had in store for him. He just couldn't remember why he had been so worried. Even the panic seemed so far away.

His entire body rocked as his Caretaker finished with what he was doing and then rolled off of him. It was strange, how his mind wandered back to that night when he with the older man.

"Clean up and get dressed," the Caretaker said as he got up. "You're expected downstairs."

Anders obeyed because orders were easy things to focus on. He was dimly aware that he had been so afraid of being used this way, before. It just couldn't filter through as to why. Even now, it seemed more of a chore than anything.

The robes that had been laid out for him were form fitting and light. They hugged his body and showed off how thin he really was. He had on a gold collar too, something the Caretaker had put on him long ago and told him never to remove. He pulled up his hair and got most of it out of his face. Moving it exposed the brand on his forehead. He remembered being so upset over the idea of having one, and now it seemed so normal, expected.

Downstairs was the research library. They were looking into stronger ways to Silence mages without branding them and Anders had been invaluable with the process.

Everyone around him seemed to find that terribly funny, but Anders couldn't respond to their snickering. He could do anything other than what he was told.

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[pinprick]

A knee parts Anders' thighs. His lips move to the expanse of throat, smooth from being shaved a few minutes ago. He stays there for some time, paying loving attention to jaw and chin, lips, throat, jaw again, lips again, Maker, what if he goes too slow and they run out of time? How long until Justice weakens and their chance is over?

His palm flattens against Anders' chest and he gulps two breaths.

"How is Justice? Strong?"

[apostasy]

Anders tilts his head back and almost purrs from the attention. His hand presses into Nathaniel's back, fingers digging in a bit.

"He's strong," Anders replies after a moment. "I think he was building his strength while I was away," he adds after a bit more thought.

His free hand moves to Nathaniel's face. He pulls back some of his hair and looks at him, enjoying not only the sight but the way his chest feels as he takes it in. "I'll warn you if that changes."

[pinprick]

Nathaniel nods, trusting, and claims Anders' mouth again, hard. His hand moves to one of Anders' nipples to work it to hardness. Their groins meet below, and Nathaniel begins a slow grinding motion, groaning into Anders' mouth.

[apostasy]

Anders moans into the kiss. His hand slips into Nathaniel's hair and grips lightly on the hair there. When they pull back from the kiss he groans and then mutters, "Talk to me. Reassure me that you're you."

[pinprick]

"I love you." Nathaniel keeps his grinding gentle at first, and his words are breathless. "Anders. I adore you. I've missed you so much. I've missed, oh, Maker, just hearing your voice. I've missed curling up with you and reading a book together. Making you laugh. Andraste bless you, you laugh at my jokes. You make me want to tell jokes just to get you to laugh. Your smile. Your brilliant conversation, and how you make me see the world in new colors. Your kind and beautiful heart. Your wit and compassion. The person you make me. I love you."

As his words tumble out, the grinding gets harder and more urgent.

[apostasy]

Anders cries out and arches his back under Nathaniel. Hearing his voice does more to keep Anders present and in this moment and not lost in his own memories. He enjoys the pleasure of their bodies pressing against each other and rides out the movement of Nathaniel's hips.

"Maker..." he cries out. "Nathaniel."

[pinprick]

Nathaniel reaches between their bodies and takes their cocks into one hand, stroking and squeezing.

"This is the first time of many," he growls into Anders' ear. "We will make such a beautiful life together. We--Anders."

He spills hard between their bodies with Anders' name a rough groan on his lips, because he dares not cry it out. His hand keeps jerking Anders to climax, hips grinding, body writhing over every inch of skin he can access.

[apostasy]

It takes Anders a little longer than it used to, but eventually his body is curling up into the touch and he's crying out Nathaniel's name. He grasps for Nathaniel, nails digging a little too hard into Nathaniel's back. The orgasm is intense and the after glow settles rockily over him. He comes down with shaky breaths.

[pinprick]

Nathaniel settles beside him on the smooth stone of the bank, gathering him into his arms and wrapping a leg around him as if he can absorb him into his body.

"I love you."

[apostasy]

Anders hums happily and presses into him as best as he can. "I love you too," he said. "I was... I was so afraid of admitting that, before, but now I want to say it as many times as I can."

[pinprick]

"Why afraid?" Hands caress Anders' back, easing him, assuring him he's still here, he's not going anywhere.

[apostasy]

"Loving someone... it means that you have something to lose. It can be something that templars use against you. It's always been difficult for me to admit that I love someone because of that..."

[pinprick]

"So that's why you...never told Hawke," Nathaniel guesses quietly.

[apostasy]

Anders feels a familiar ache in his chest. "I..." he starts but he isn't sure how to continue that. It's true that he loved Hawke, and part of him probably still does, but it's not the same as how he feels for Nathaniel.

[pinprick]

"...Never mind. You don't have to answer." He touches their foreheads together. "Let's talk about the future. We'll meet Bethany on the road ahead. Can you think of any way to strengthen Justice until then?"

[apostasy]

Anders nodded. "He seems to be strong right now," he said. "It could be a few hours before I start to Fade, or a few minutes, if I'm honest. Neither of us have this figured out precisely yet."

[pinprick]

"I won't lie, it would be very nice if we learned he's strengthened by us having sex," Nathaniel teases. "He seemed to break through during your sleep once. Perhaps...if we were somewhere where the Veil is thin, it would help him. Or if we found some way to strengthen your tie to the Fade besides summoning another spirit."

[apostasy]

Anders chuckled at the thought and then nuzzled against Nathaniel. "That's not a bad idea. Maybe being closer to the Fade will help."

[pinprick]

"It's said the Veil is thin in the Brecilian Forest. Closer than that would be Ostagar, or at least, I would think the Veil is thin at Ostagar. You would know more about that than I."

[apostasy]

"It's because of the death there, I think." He sighed a bit. "Thought because of the Breach there are a lot of pockets throughout Thedas. That's a good place to look."

[pinprick]

"I've run into one. There are demons around them. Not a very good place to stop."

[apostasy]

"That's a good point. Especially if I'm in that state and can't help," he replies, really avoiding saying 'Tranquil' as much as possible.

[pinprick]

"As much as I enjoy...these times, I have to keep you safe. There is a permanent fix and meeting Bethany has to be our priority."

He sits up and starts to rinse them both clean with the water.

"We'll go to Ostagar. It's one of the likeliest places to find her. She needs a place where the Veil is thin. At least it's not far. We'll stay there a few days and keep an eye out for her."

[apostasy]

Anders nodded and then pulled up to put back on his robes. "Thank you," he said after a moment. "For being so focused on helping me."

[pinprick]

A little smile as Nathaniel starts pulling on his clothes. "It's actually a very selfish thing, you know. I don't want to imagine life without you, and..."

He looks a touch bashful.

"I've always liked...taking care of you. It's harder when you're not yourself, but it's worth it, knowing that will change."