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tran·quil·i·ty - the quality or state of being calm.
Anders only dimly remembered being caught. It had been such a stereotypical stormy night. He remembered being soaked and weak as hunger had made his entire body feel like it was weighed down. He remembered that he had been feeling that, but he couldn't exactly recall exactly what it felt like. It seemed so far away.
He could remember fighting, killing some of them, and struggling against all of their attacks despite the futility. He remembered panicking when they told him what they had in store for him. He just couldn't remember why he had been so worried. Even the panic seemed so far away.
His entire body rocked as his Caretaker finished with what he was doing and then rolled off of him. It was strange, how his mind wandered back to that night when he with the older man.
"Clean up and get dressed," the Caretaker said as he got up. "You're expected downstairs."
Anders obeyed because orders were easy things to focus on. He was dimly aware that he had been so afraid of being used this way, before. It just couldn't filter through as to why. Even now, it seemed more of a chore than anything.
The robes that had been laid out for him were form fitting and light. They hugged his body and showed off how thin he really was. He had on a gold collar too, something the Caretaker had put on him long ago and told him never to remove. He pulled up his hair and got most of it out of his face. Moving it exposed the brand on his forehead. He remembered being so upset over the idea of having one, and now it seemed so normal, expected.
Downstairs was the research library. They were looking into stronger ways to Silence mages without branding them and Anders had been invaluable with the process.
Everyone around him seemed to find that terribly funny, but Anders couldn't respond to their snickering. He could do anything other than what he was told.
He could remember fighting, killing some of them, and struggling against all of their attacks despite the futility. He remembered panicking when they told him what they had in store for him. He just couldn't remember why he had been so worried. Even the panic seemed so far away.
His entire body rocked as his Caretaker finished with what he was doing and then rolled off of him. It was strange, how his mind wandered back to that night when he with the older man.
"Clean up and get dressed," the Caretaker said as he got up. "You're expected downstairs."
Anders obeyed because orders were easy things to focus on. He was dimly aware that he had been so afraid of being used this way, before. It just couldn't filter through as to why. Even now, it seemed more of a chore than anything.
The robes that had been laid out for him were form fitting and light. They hugged his body and showed off how thin he really was. He had on a gold collar too, something the Caretaker had put on him long ago and told him never to remove. He pulled up his hair and got most of it out of his face. Moving it exposed the brand on his forehead. He remembered being so upset over the idea of having one, and now it seemed so normal, expected.
Downstairs was the research library. They were looking into stronger ways to Silence mages without branding them and Anders had been invaluable with the process.
Everyone around him seemed to find that terribly funny, but Anders couldn't respond to their snickering. He could do anything other than what he was told.
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Anders chuckled at the thought and then nuzzled against Nathaniel. "That's not a bad idea. Maybe being closer to the Fade will help."
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"It's because of the death there, I think." He sighed a bit. "Thought because of the Breach there are a lot of pockets throughout Thedas. That's a good place to look."
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"That's a good point. Especially if I'm in that state and can't help," he replies, really avoiding saying 'Tranquil' as much as possible.
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He sits up and starts to rinse them both clean with the water.
"We'll go to Ostagar. It's one of the likeliest places to find her. She needs a place where the Veil is thin. At least it's not far. We'll stay there a few days and keep an eye out for her."
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Anders nodded and then pulled up to put back on his robes. "Thank you," he said after a moment. "For being so focused on helping me."
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He looks a touch bashful.
"I've always liked...taking care of you. It's harder when you're not yourself, but it's worth it, knowing that will change."
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Anders looks a little sad as he thinks about it. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to cause trouble for you."
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Nathaniel cuts himself off as he steps close and pulls Anders into his arms.
"You didn't cause the trouble. The villains who did this to you, who...tried to take you from me. Those are the ones who made us both suffer. You bring me joy, not trouble."
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Anders sighs a bit and leans into Nathaniel. "I still know the way that you look at me when I'm like that. I wish I could help."
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He knows Anders isn't a nonentity when he's Tranquil, but it's horribly lonely even so. He releases a long breath.
"There's this story someone told me growing up, probably Adria. Or it might have been my father. A man had committed some sin or other and was doomed to spend the rest of his life in the Fade. So he wandered the Fade year after year and had the will to keep going because he knew that each night, he would see his beloved as she dreamt."
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Anders was about to say that he understood the look. He had given it to Karl just as much as Nathaniel gave it to him, but even the thought of bringing that up caused him a great deal of pain. It was strange, how that event still haunted him. There were, in face, many events that still haunted them. Still, that pain was somehow comforting if it meant that he could feel anything.
"What would happen if she stopped dreaming..."
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He doesn't want to think too much on that scenario, but if Anders is asking, Anders needs to know.
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"Hawke was safe," he said. "Because he would never return those feelings and because I knew he'd never hurt me." As he explained it he felt that dull ache in his chest again. "Loving him meant I didn't have to risk anything."
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"I think I understand. You were a little like that for me, at first. Till I could get over myself. Till we'd been living together for months and it was only getting better."
He pulls his wet hair back and starts tying it up. "My parents married for love. Or that was what they said. But you and I, we've never been...toxic, like they were."
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"You don't drag me down. Bastards like that cult drag me down. The people who hurt you, the people who want other people to hurt you, they drag me down. You're the one who makes all of that worthwhile. My parents never had that. I...don't really know if there are many who do."
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"Thank you."
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Sometimes Anders has this way of responding to him like Nathaniel is just being nice and nothing more. It hurts.
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You're the only one who hasn't."
It's much less that he thinks Nathaniel is just being nice as much as he's so self-centered at times, sometimes with good reason, that its hard for him to see past what is in his own head.
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"I love you," he said after a moment, not really able to think of anything else to say.
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