tran·quil·i·ty - the quality or state of being calm.

[apostasy]

Anders only dimly remembered being caught. It had been such a stereotypical stormy night. He remembered being soaked and weak as hunger had made his entire body feel like it was weighed down. He remembered that he had been feeling that, but he couldn't exactly recall exactly what it felt like. It seemed so far away.

He could remember fighting, killing some of them, and struggling against all of their attacks despite the futility. He remembered panicking when they told him what they had in store for him. He just couldn't remember why he had been so worried. Even the panic seemed so far away.

His entire body rocked as his Caretaker finished with what he was doing and then rolled off of him. It was strange, how his mind wandered back to that night when he with the older man.

"Clean up and get dressed," the Caretaker said as he got up. "You're expected downstairs."

Anders obeyed because orders were easy things to focus on. He was dimly aware that he had been so afraid of being used this way, before. It just couldn't filter through as to why. Even now, it seemed more of a chore than anything.

The robes that had been laid out for him were form fitting and light. They hugged his body and showed off how thin he really was. He had on a gold collar too, something the Caretaker had put on him long ago and told him never to remove. He pulled up his hair and got most of it out of his face. Moving it exposed the brand on his forehead. He remembered being so upset over the idea of having one, and now it seemed so normal, expected.

Downstairs was the research library. They were looking into stronger ways to Silence mages without branding them and Anders had been invaluable with the process.

Everyone around him seemed to find that terribly funny, but Anders couldn't respond to their snickering. He could do anything other than what he was told.

Comments

[apostasy]

Anders chuckles very softly. "When I come back... It feels like I've been..." He pauses, trying to describe how it felt. "Imagine being blinded, deafened, and having all of your limbs removed. It probably feels a bit like that. It's terrifying to think I'll have to go back." He frowned at the thought. It felt like something terrible looming over him.

"The worst part is not knowing something is wrong while I'm in it."

[pinprick]

Nathaniel frowns thoughtfully.

"Would it help if you wrote things down? Things you want to keep in mind...I'm not sure why it'd be different from your regular memory, but..."

He goes into a full-fledged scalp massage.

[apostasy]

Anders groans at that touch, almost melting into it. "Mm. It's not that I forget, so much as I don't think about it," he says after a moment. "I know that you care about me when I'm in that state. It just doesn't mean as much to me as it should."

[pinprick]

"I figure it will when you come back to yourself. And it means a lot to me, anyway."

[apostasy]

Anders is quiet as they finish cleaning him off then he straightens up and looks over at Nathaniel. After a moment, he moves a little closer and kisses him lightly. It's quick, just a peck really, and then he pulls back.

"Your turn?" he asked, to cover up how embarrassed he felt that the peck was all he could manage.

[pinprick]

"To kiss you?" Nathaniel speaks through a smile, but he's hesitant.

[apostasy]

Anders looked up at Nathaniel then and smiled a bit. "Well, I did mean about your hair, but I suppose I can make do with a kiss," he was teasing mostly because he was nervous. It was so silly to be nervous about kissing Nathaniel, considering how much he had done.

[pinprick]

Nathaniel smiles, embarrassed at his mistake. But he leans in to give the exact same sort of peck on Anders' lips that Anders gave him. Baby steps. Then he turns and sits, readying himself to have his hair washed.

[apostasy]

Anders felt his heart hammer in his chest. He took a moment to just breathe and then moved over to start washing Nathaniel. His hands are smoothing as he does it, massaging just as much as he is cleaning.

[pinprick]

It has been four years since he felt Anders' touch like this. Four years since these hands paid such care to him, such love and tenderness. Nathaniel's eyes slide shut as he focuses on that touch alone, savoring it as fully as he can, his entire world build upon those soft fingertips.

He starts feeling...warm. In some areas more than others.

Maker, not now.

A bright blush comes to his face. He seems to think he can hide it by ducking his head.

[apostasy]

At first, Anders was focused on cleaning Nathaniel. He only noticed something was happening when Nathaniel started to blush. He paused for a moment and then chuckled.

"Is this all it takes to get you going now?" he asked, teasing just a bit.

[pinprick]

"It's...been a long time," Nathaniel explains quietly. A hand comes up to cover his face. "More to the point, it's you."

[apostasy]

"It's me?" Anders asks. He moves to rinse off the soap and then rubs his hands over Nathaniel's shoulders. At first, he's just giving him a light massage to comfort him. "Does this work on you too?"

[pinprick]

"Yes," Nathaniel answers immediately, eyes still shut. Because it's Anders, and anything Anders does is going to work on him. Still, he's wary, concerned, afraid Anders will push himself to do something he isn't ready to do.

[apostasy]

Anders works his hands lower down Nathaniel's back. He spends some time just soothing away any tension he might find there. Finally, he presses closer and wraps his arms around Nathaniel. His hands spread a bit over Nathaniel's chest.

"It's you too, you know. You're safe."

[pinprick]

Maker, all his skin is aflame. He turns in Anders' arms so he can peer down into his face, thumb brushing over his lips.

"Can I kiss you?" he whispers, voice shaking with need.

[apostasy]

Anders doesn't respond verbally. Instead, he presses closer and kisses Nathaniel. It's gentle for now, exploring and hesitant, but strong enough that the intent is there.

[pinprick]

Nathaniel returns it in kind, restrained but loving, one hand raking through Anders' wet hair. His heart pounds hard in his chest and it's everything he can do not to pin Anders to the ground and take him like he used to. Spirits of love and demons of desire war together, but he will wait for Anders to make the next move.

[apostasy]

Slowly, Anders is able to deepen the kiss. He presses a bit more into Nathaniel, tasting more of his mouth. His exploration because a little more desperate as he wants to remember how wonderful it was to be with Nathaniel.

[pinprick]

Both hands are now in Anders' hair, greedily hoarding that mouth for himself. Warm and soft and wet and needy, ready to reclaim this part of their past--no, this part of their future--from those who stole it.

"Remember the watchword," he mumbled against Anders' mouth. There will be no binding or beating, but it will be a good thing to have on hand anyway.

[apostasy]

Anders smiled at that, because it's reassuring to be told he can stop this at any time. "Hmm," he made a soft, affirmative noise and then pulled back a bit so that he could guide Nathaniel to the ground. He coaxed his lover to lie with him, on top of him. "You too," he adds smile smirking at him.

[pinprick]

A knee parts Anders' thighs. His lips move to the expanse of throat, smooth from being shaved a few minutes ago. He stays there for some time, paying loving attention to jaw and chin, lips, throat, jaw again, lips again, Maker, what if he goes too slow and they run out of time? How long until Justice weakens and their chance is over?

His palm flattens against Anders' chest and he gulps two breaths.

"How is Justice? Strong?"

[apostasy]

Anders tilts his head back and almost purrs from the attention. His hand presses into Nathaniel's back, fingers digging in a bit.

"He's strong," Anders replies after a moment. "I think he was building his strength while I was away," he adds after a bit more thought.

His free hand moves to Nathaniel's face. He pulls back some of his hair and looks at him, enjoying not only the sight but the way his chest feels as he takes it in. "I'll warn you if that changes."

[pinprick]

Nathaniel nods, trusting, and claims Anders' mouth again, hard. His hand moves to one of Anders' nipples to work it to hardness. Their groins meet below, and Nathaniel begins a slow grinding motion, groaning into Anders' mouth.

[apostasy]

Anders moans into the kiss. His hand slips into Nathaniel's hair and grips lightly on the hair there. When they pull back from the kiss he groans and then mutters, "Talk to me. Reassure me that you're you."