tran·quil·i·ty - the quality or state of being calm.

[apostasy]

Anders only dimly remembered being caught. It had been such a stereotypical stormy night. He remembered being soaked and weak as hunger had made his entire body feel like it was weighed down. He remembered that he had been feeling that, but he couldn't exactly recall exactly what it felt like. It seemed so far away.

He could remember fighting, killing some of them, and struggling against all of their attacks despite the futility. He remembered panicking when they told him what they had in store for him. He just couldn't remember why he had been so worried. Even the panic seemed so far away.

His entire body rocked as his Caretaker finished with what he was doing and then rolled off of him. It was strange, how his mind wandered back to that night when he with the older man.

"Clean up and get dressed," the Caretaker said as he got up. "You're expected downstairs."

Anders obeyed because orders were easy things to focus on. He was dimly aware that he had been so afraid of being used this way, before. It just couldn't filter through as to why. Even now, it seemed more of a chore than anything.

The robes that had been laid out for him were form fitting and light. They hugged his body and showed off how thin he really was. He had on a gold collar too, something the Caretaker had put on him long ago and told him never to remove. He pulled up his hair and got most of it out of his face. Moving it exposed the brand on his forehead. He remembered being so upset over the idea of having one, and now it seemed so normal, expected.

Downstairs was the research library. They were looking into stronger ways to Silence mages without branding them and Anders had been invaluable with the process.

Everyone around him seemed to find that terribly funny, but Anders couldn't respond to their snickering. He could do anything other than what he was told.

Comments

[pinprick]

Nathaniel chokes. "There are more members of your cult?"

[apostasy]

"They aren't my cult," Anders pointed out blandly. If he had been himself there would have been an inflection there, a bit of offense taken, but now it's just a calm statement. "They hate magic. There are many people in the world who hate magic."

[pinprick]

"That cult, that held you, there are more people in it? People we have to worry about?"

[apostasy]

"I do not know how many members they had. It is possible that they belong to another organization."

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"Maker." Nathaniel rubs his temple. "They're probably counting bones right now. They'll want to make sure everyone is accounted for."

He starts the horse cantering now preparing for a full gallop.

[apostasy]

Anders' arms squeeze Nathaniel then to hold onto him.

[pinprick]

They ride hard for the rest of the day, until they find a spot to camp well away from the road and sheltered by a tall bluff. They start no fire, only munching cold rations and wrapping up in blankets against the wind. Nathaniel holds Anders close to sleep and prays for his return.

It doesn't happen. A few days pass with Anders Tranquil, and Nathaniel starts to wonder if Justice got killed off for good. Three days later, they wake up in the loft of a small Chantry. Nathaniel prepares to go for the morning, then pauses at the altar to pray.

Andraste, pray for us. Pray for Anders. Even those who have done wrong in his sight have the love of the Maker, and Anders paid for his crimes long before they were committed. Please show him the mercy given to everyone else. It seems overdue, frankly.

Four days, and Nathaniel is exhausted. They stop frequently but never for long, and he aches for a good night's sleep. He is beginning to despair of Anders ever returning. They have entered the Hinterlands, and Nathaniel stops them both to give Anders and himself a good bath in a cold stream. To do otherwise is asking for sores. Soap, water, a good scrubbing of skin and washing of hair can do no harm.

[apostasy]

The water is cold. He can tell the water is cold and once he's in, his legs will go numb but it's something that he's aware that he's needed for a while. The days have melded a bit together for him. He hasn't had any research or work to focus on so it just seems to be an endless cycle of traveling. It helps, though, that Nathaniel is good at telling him what to do when they need to get something done.

When they start getting undressed, however, something blue flashes over him and he stumbled back, half out of his robes and half in. A hand goes to his forehead and he groans. Getting undressed had brought up a random thought about what it had been like to be with the cult, and that memory, though growing faint in his Tranquil mind, was enough to kick Justice back up.

[pinprick]

"Anders?" It might be too much to hope Justice has brought him back again, but the groan is enough to concern him.

"Everything all right?"

[apostasy]

"Hn," Anders shook his head to clear it and then looked up at Nathaniel. He blinked a bit in confusion and then moved forward a bit to put a hand on Nathaniel, touching his arm or chest or whatever was easiest.

"Yes. It's me."

[pinprick]

Nathaniel resists the urge to pull Anders to him and kiss him. He promised. But he's so relieved to see Anders himself again that he has to take a moment. He captures Anders' hand in his and warms it.

"Want to do this yourself?"

[apostasy]

Anders shook his head. He focused on their hands for a moment and then smiled. "Oh no," he said. "Help me with my hair and I'll help you with yours." He still felt shaky because Justice had experienced an emotional reaction to something he hadn't been able to at the time and the force of that had been odd and a little painful. He wasn't sure how to explain that though. For now, he just wanted Nate to help calm him down. Having strong but caring hands in his hair would help.

[pinprick]

A relieved smile.

"Out of those clothes, then."

Nathaniel starts to lather the soap.

[apostasy]

Anders smiles, because it's nice to see Nathaniel smile. He finishes getting undressed but doesn't exactly meet Nathaniel's gaze as he does. Once he's done and it's time to wash he relaxes a bit into Nathaniel's touch.

"I'm sorry I've been gone for so long," he mutters softly as Nathaniel's hands work against his hair.

[pinprick]

"You've been right here," Nathaniel answers as he lathers Anders' hair. "You've just been a little stoic."

He doesn't want to talk about how desperate he has been for Anders to show life again. He's ready to put that behind them and enjoy the time they have. His fingers begin to scritch Anders' scalp, removing almost a week's buildup and grime.

[apostasy]

Anders chuckles very softly. "When I come back... It feels like I've been..." He pauses, trying to describe how it felt. "Imagine being blinded, deafened, and having all of your limbs removed. It probably feels a bit like that. It's terrifying to think I'll have to go back." He frowned at the thought. It felt like something terrible looming over him.

"The worst part is not knowing something is wrong while I'm in it."

[pinprick]

Nathaniel frowns thoughtfully.

"Would it help if you wrote things down? Things you want to keep in mind...I'm not sure why it'd be different from your regular memory, but..."

He goes into a full-fledged scalp massage.

[apostasy]

Anders groans at that touch, almost melting into it. "Mm. It's not that I forget, so much as I don't think about it," he says after a moment. "I know that you care about me when I'm in that state. It just doesn't mean as much to me as it should."

[pinprick]

"I figure it will when you come back to yourself. And it means a lot to me, anyway."

[apostasy]

Anders is quiet as they finish cleaning him off then he straightens up and looks over at Nathaniel. After a moment, he moves a little closer and kisses him lightly. It's quick, just a peck really, and then he pulls back.

"Your turn?" he asked, to cover up how embarrassed he felt that the peck was all he could manage.

[pinprick]

"To kiss you?" Nathaniel speaks through a smile, but he's hesitant.

[apostasy]

Anders looked up at Nathaniel then and smiled a bit. "Well, I did mean about your hair, but I suppose I can make do with a kiss," he was teasing mostly because he was nervous. It was so silly to be nervous about kissing Nathaniel, considering how much he had done.

[pinprick]

Nathaniel smiles, embarrassed at his mistake. But he leans in to give the exact same sort of peck on Anders' lips that Anders gave him. Baby steps. Then he turns and sits, readying himself to have his hair washed.

[apostasy]

Anders felt his heart hammer in his chest. He took a moment to just breathe and then moved over to start washing Nathaniel. His hands are smoothing as he does it, massaging just as much as he is cleaning.

[pinprick]

It has been four years since he felt Anders' touch like this. Four years since these hands paid such care to him, such love and tenderness. Nathaniel's eyes slide shut as he focuses on that touch alone, savoring it as fully as he can, his entire world build upon those soft fingertips.

He starts feeling...warm. In some areas more than others.

Maker, not now.

A bright blush comes to his face. He seems to think he can hide it by ducking his head.