tran·quil·i·ty - the quality or state of being calm.

[apostasy]

Anders only dimly remembered being caught. It had been such a stereotypical stormy night. He remembered being soaked and weak as hunger had made his entire body feel like it was weighed down. He remembered that he had been feeling that, but he couldn't exactly recall exactly what it felt like. It seemed so far away.

He could remember fighting, killing some of them, and struggling against all of their attacks despite the futility. He remembered panicking when they told him what they had in store for him. He just couldn't remember why he had been so worried. Even the panic seemed so far away.

His entire body rocked as his Caretaker finished with what he was doing and then rolled off of him. It was strange, how his mind wandered back to that night when he with the older man.

"Clean up and get dressed," the Caretaker said as he got up. "You're expected downstairs."

Anders obeyed because orders were easy things to focus on. He was dimly aware that he had been so afraid of being used this way, before. It just couldn't filter through as to why. Even now, it seemed more of a chore than anything.

The robes that had been laid out for him were form fitting and light. They hugged his body and showed off how thin he really was. He had on a gold collar too, something the Caretaker had put on him long ago and told him never to remove. He pulled up his hair and got most of it out of his face. Moving it exposed the brand on his forehead. He remembered being so upset over the idea of having one, and now it seemed so normal, expected.

Downstairs was the research library. They were looking into stronger ways to Silence mages without branding them and Anders had been invaluable with the process.

Everyone around him seemed to find that terribly funny, but Anders couldn't respond to their snickering. He could do anything other than what he was told.

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[apostasy]

"We have shared a bed before," he pointed out. He didn't have a concept of feeling weird about that so he thought it made sense that if Nathaniel wanted him in the bed they could share.

Still, he rose and made his way to it. He wasn't self-less enough in this state to insist on Nate taking it. That and he was pretty sore. Even a Tranquil can feel pain.

[pinprick]

He just doesn't want Anders waking up in a panic to find someone in bed with him. But he stays as close to the bed as possible and falls asleep quickly.

[apostasy]

Anders sleeps peacefully for the first few hours. Tranquil aren't supposed to dream, cut from the Fade as they are, but while he's sleeping Justice is able to try and push through again.

Anders wakes up as Justice stitches part of himself back together and cries out in pain. He's not panicked about the presence of someone else in the room so much as the imagery that was crammed into his head all at once for the moment that Justice was successful.

He rolls onto his side and curls up. Once hand moves around his head and he tries to force himself to not cry. He hasn't cried since he was 12. He had demanded that of himself, to never let them see him cry. In that moment, though, it just seems so crowded in his head and chest that he isn't sure what else he could do.

[pinprick]

The cry awakens Nathaniel abruptly, and before he can even pry his eyes open he is groping for Anders.

"I'm here," he mumbles, finding a hand and grasping it. "It's me, it's Nathaniel. I'm here."

[apostasy]

Anders shifts and grips onto Nathaniel, arms moving around his shoulders. The angle is very awkward and they flop over uncomfortably. Still, the closeness calms him down and lets him regain control of himself. He's breathing heavily but the panic slowly moves back.

Slowly, he lets up enough to let Nathaniel get more comfortable in the bed but doesn't let go completely to make it clear that Nathaniel being on the bed is what he wants.

[pinprick]

"All right." Nathaniel grabs his pillow and climbs into bed, getting comfortable before settling with his arms tightly around Anders. Now that he's a little more conscious, he is incredibly relieved that Anders is back again. It proves that the first time wasn't a fluke, that he isn't gone forever.

"I'm here," he murmurs against his ear. "You're finally safe."

[apostasy]

Anders nods and settles against him, pressing into Nathaniel's body because the shape of him is comforting and strong.

"I love you," he says, quickly, because he doesn't know how long this will last and he doesn't want to miss out on saying it while he can.

[pinprick]

"I love you too," Nathaniel whispers, touching their foreheads. "Even when you're Tranquil, I love you. We will make it through this."

He may not get much sleep tonight, but it's a worthwhile sacrifice if he can have some time with Anders.

"Do you want me to sleep next to you from now on, in case this happens again?"

[apostasy]

"Yes please," he says. He sighs a bit, taking comfort in the fact that Nathaniel is a good man who would never lie about this. The sensation of being loved is one he wants to keep for as long as possible.

"Though you're such a gentleman for taking the floor," and that part has a bit of a teasing tone to it, even though his smile is still muted by the emotions he's feeling, the teasing is a good sign.

[pinprick]

Maker, it is good to hear Anders tease. Nathaniel gives a suppressed laugh, unvoiced, almost just a sharp exhalation.

"I didn't want to assume you gave me permission."

He hesitates, then kisses Anders lightly on the lips.

[apostasy]

Anders returns the kiss but pulls back from it quickly. "I'm sorry," he mutters after a moment, as his head is still too crammed with everything he could have been feeling since being made Tranquil, including the fear of intimacy that's creeping in.

[pinprick]

"No, it's all right." Nathaniel feels immediately guilty. Of course it's too soon. He pulls him close instead. "Take all the time you need. I won't try that again till you ask me."

How many times had someone forced themselves on Anders now, with Anders unable to give resistance or consent? Perhaps not just the Caretaker, either. How perfect a victim was a Tranquil! Nathaniel finds himself seeing them all very differently now. They're all someone's loved one, as vulnerable as children.

[apostasy]

Anders sighs and shakes his head. "No. I'm sorry for getting caught, for not fighting harder. You shouldn't have to deal with seeing me like this. I know it's not easy."

He tries really hard not to think of Karl and fails.

[pinprick]

"I'm sorry I didn't protect you. I'm sorry for choosing the place I did to meet you. I'm sorry I didn't find you earlier."

There. He brushes hair away from Anders' face.

"It doesn't matter how hard you fought. They are the ones who did this, not you. And when I fell in love with you, I chose to shoulder all your future troubles. You didn't do anything wrong. There's nothing to blame you for."

[apostasy]

"You're the only person who would ever say such a thing to me," he pointed out. Even Hawke, for all that he cared for Anders, had blamed him of quite a bit when they got down to it. He was just very good at masking it and focusing on making things right.

[pinprick]

"Then I'll be the first telling you the truth. This. Wasn't. Your. Fault. Maker, I've only been part of this a day and a half, and I can tell there isn't a person alive or dead who deserves what you're going through. Maferath himself didn't deserve what you're going through."

[apostasy]

Anders chuckled a bit but the sound was slightly hollow. He sounded a little exhausted. "Do you remember those statues that the Commander found in the woods? The ones that said his betrayal was necessary and that he had repented later in life?"

[pinprick]

A slow release of breath. "Don't. Right now I want to kill everyone with anything to do with the Chantry and I cannot. Or are you saying you've...?"

Repented? Maker, wouldn't anyone, after this?

[apostasy]

"No," Anders said. "I'm saying people tell stories differently."

Then, after a moment, "I'd still do what I did all over again if I had to."

[pinprick]

"Maker preserve me," Nathaniel mutters, "if for once, I don't blame you."

Maybe there's room for vengeance in a world as bad as this, which takes more than its share out of the flesh of those it arbitrarily deems unworthy. It's wrong, Nathaniel knows. It's so very wrong to back what Anders did. But it's worse to back what was done to Anders, somehow. If he really must choose between the two, a death cleansed by fire is better than this.

"Even knowing you would suffer this?" he breathes softly.

[apostasy]

"What happened had to happen. Just as Andraste's death was needed to sway the heart of Archon Hessarian, the destruction of Kirkwall's Chantry was needed to prove that mages could stand up to the Chantry and demand their freedom."

He sighed a bit and rubbed his nose as he considered it. "Otherwise, all of this was meaningless."

[pinprick]

That's what Anders has to believe then, at least for now. Nathaniel can figure it out later.

"No more," he sighs, drawing Anders close. "No more justifications. Just relax."

This has been a longer day than the day he found out his father died. That's a long day.

"It's been more than four years since I could hold you like this."

[apostasy]

Anders smiled a bit and reached up to trail his hands over Nathaniel's face, just enjoying being close to him for a moment. "It must have been hard, waiting to catch up to me. I wouldn't have been strong enough. I would have tried to explain everything to you right away. You would have thought I'd gone mad."

[pinprick]

A low chuckle.

"My desire was only checked by the knowledge you'd reject me. But it seems I waited too long."

Those hands are so familiar now, so welcome, he lets the mage explore his face as he will. He would insist it's still as ugly as ever, but it would start an argument.

[apostasy]

"No," Anders says carefully. "Please don't blame yourself for any of this. I can't.. I can't stand the thought of you looking at me and feeling guilt. You're still the best thing that has happened to me."

And how strange it is to say those words to someone who isn't Hawke, to someone who actually loves him back.