Anders (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
justice_is_blond) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
elfhame2016-12-10 05:09 pm
justice_is_blond) wrote in elfhame2016-12-10 05:09 pm
In a cave in the hills in the woods far away
Anders still wasn't sure if he liked or disliked letters from Varric. Most of the time, it depended on Hawke's reactions. Sometimes Hawke was happy, talking about how Aveline and Donnic were doing, excitedly sharing bits of what Isabela was up to while edging carefully around mentions of Fenris to keep the peace. Sometimes, though, the letters were reminders of how holed up they were. Hawke said he didn't mind. That he loved Anders and wanted to be here with him. That didn't help the guilt.
The most recent reaction was new, though. Hawke had read the letter two weeks and gone for a walk, not even giving a hint as to its contents. There was no discussion of it later that night, despite Anders' attempts, and Anders was afraid. That had only grown as Hawke went for another walk this morning. Justice was convinced they were about to be betrayed. They'd been too much of a burden, and Hawke was done. Anders didn't want to believe it, but hearing voices approach made him feel sick to his stomach.
By the time Hawke enters the cave with another person, silhouetted by the sun, Anders is a nervous, shaky wreck who can barely upright on his bedroll. Justice hovers, ready to take over, and Anders is spending just as much mental energy keeping the spirit in check as he does pleading with Justice to spare Garrett's life even if he had betrayed them.
"Hello?" His voice is cracked. It feels like everything is cracked.
The most recent reaction was new, though. Hawke had read the letter two weeks and gone for a walk, not even giving a hint as to its contents. There was no discussion of it later that night, despite Anders' attempts, and Anders was afraid. That had only grown as Hawke went for another walk this morning. Justice was convinced they were about to be betrayed. They'd been too much of a burden, and Hawke was done. Anders didn't want to believe it, but hearing voices approach made him feel sick to his stomach.
By the time Hawke enters the cave with another person, silhouetted by the sun, Anders is a nervous, shaky wreck who can barely upright on his bedroll. Justice hovers, ready to take over, and Anders is spending just as much mental energy keeping the spirit in check as he does pleading with Justice to spare Garrett's life even if he had betrayed them.
"Hello?" His voice is cracked. It feels like everything is cracked.
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And now he won't. Anders wonders if Justice would let him do more around the place without Hawke here. It could be some sort of compromise. They're going into town, after all. Justice can gather what news he needs to, and maybe Anders will have some time to be more human and less of a burden.
He reaches up to touch his face as the shave nears completion, wondering at how marvelous it feels to have the hair gone. There's no scratch, just skin, and between it and the hot water he's feeling a little human again. The company might have something to do with it too. It's been so long since he's spoken with someone who wasn't Hawke.
Anders rests a hand on one of Nathaniel's for a moment. His eyes are a little unfocused, social skills atrophied, but the words finally come if quietly. "Thank you." Garrett helps him because he loves him. Nathaniel... Anders has no hold on him. "I can get the ones that have grown in."
It's not that difficult a task for a healer, after all.
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The barb is meant to try to lure some of Anders' old self out. Maybe there's some hope, if Anders can follow that lead. If not, Nathaniel isn't sure what to believe. Is there a point, if nothing remains?
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"Civilized? How boring." A moment after it's out he wishes he would have added emphasis and turned it into Howe, but Justice feels it's better this way. There is a thread there, something Anders could follow, and it is not going to lead down the path the spirit desires. Anders can't quite get his mind around the nebulous mood the spirit is feeling, and instead of sitting there trying to work it out, he slides off the rock and back into the water, casting to get at the hairs that have gone the wrong way.
It's hard to concentrate on what the spirit's wanting or planning. Nearly never does Anders have the energy for it, but right now he has a little extra strength and he has no idea why. Hawke's not here. Shouldn't he feel worse? Or is the spirit elated with his absence and that's why the burden is lighter?
"Next you'll be saying something about proper and that will never do."
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In the weeks that follow, they walk north. Nathaniel tells him they will be safer in Rivain, where the Chantry has less power and the pickings are ripe for rebellion. News of the Dairsmuid annulment was suppressed in most countries, but it is a raw wound in Rivain, where people lost loved ones who had done nothing wrong. This pretext will make Justice happy, and allow Nathaniel to visit another purpose there.
They reach Wycome and take a ship from there to Afsaana, a port city with no Chantry outpost. Stepping up from the rowboat to the dock, Nathaniel stoops and offers Anders a hand up.
"Welcome to Rivain."