PSL with meeee

[justice_is_blond]

When he'd joined the Wardens, it had been under threat of certain death. The Hero of Fereldan hadn't really bothered to explain what conscription meant, just offered it, and Anders had accepted. Why not? He had nothing to lose.

He tried to live his life like that, really. Nothing to lose. It hadn't always worked, but he lost anything he treasured anyway so the end result was still the same whether he was losing Ser Pounce-a-Lot or Hawke. Keep working, keep hiding, don't hope, and so on. Until Skyhold, he'd managed. Or he was pretty sure he'd managed.

Then there was a woman, and a cat, and a man, and more and more people he cared about who actually, somehow, cared about him, and he couldn't keep moving and ignoring things. That was good... until today. Today a song greeted him when he woke, one he's heard before thanks to Corypheus, one that fills his ears and calls his name and tells him it's time to lose everything.

It takes Anders a very long time to get up. Normally he's a fast riser, up before the sun and heading out to work, but this morning he moves slowly. Everything is heavy - limbs, thoughts. He doesn't want to dislodge Purrelden or wake Nate, but it's inevitable. He has a long walk ahead of him, and Nate has possibly the hardest choice of his life.

Reaching out, Anders gently brushes Nathaniel's hair back, prolonging this moment just a few seconds longer. If he could spare Nate this choice he would, but he knows simply leaving isn't sparing at all.

"Are you awake, love?" It's barely a whisper.

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[pinprick]

"Mm?"

He turns in the bed, peering up into amber eyes. Their color is just as beautiful now as it has always seemed to him, but he is only half-awake, squinting up at the sun. Everything is the same as it is every day, completely perfect and whole.

"Yes?"

[justice_is_blond]

Nathaniel's gorgeous like this. Gorgeous always, but at rest, dark hair spilling down, face a little grumpy from sleep is one of Anders' favorite looks. He takes a slow breath, studying the face of the man he loves and trying to gather his courage. Asking Nate if he wants to die with Anders is terrifying, and mostly because he knows the answer.

Anders strokes Nate's now-exposed cheek with trembling fingers. "I love you," he says, and behind the words there's the smallest wish Nate had found someone who would live longer. For some time he'd expected it, but never before had he wished for it.

[pinprick]

Nathaniel catches Anders' hand with his own and presses a kiss to it. A moment later, he rethinks this and reaches to pull Anders down into his arms while he waits for alertness to come. While he holds him, he can feel the tension, the tremor in Anders. Something has happened, and it doesn't take much to think what it is.

His eyes slide shut. He holds Anders tight and presses a kiss to his hair.

"Hush, my love," he says softly. "What do you hear?"

[justice_is_blond]

He knows, and that takes some of the pressure off but not all of it. Not by a long shot. Anders takes a shaky breath as he memorizes every bit of how this hold feels.

"The sound of a question I don't want to ask, because I know the answer and I..." He breaks off and swallows. "I don't want to die alone, but I don't want to drag you down there, love, and I don't want to be the cause of your death when you're the cause for how I've lived so long."

[pinprick]

"I'll die one way or another," he murmurs softly, fully awake now, clinging tight to Anders. The truth is that it hasn't fully sunk in yet, but they have talked about this. They knew it would happen, and knew what they would do when it did. "Even if the Calling never comes to me, I will die without you. I'm going with you. You know that. We've always known it. You could never cause my death when you are life to me."

[justice_is_blond]

"I know. I'd just..." He'd hoped Nate would hear it, so he could support Nate, rather than leading them both to their deaths. Anders holds Nate close as a few tears escape his eyes.

"You've given me so much. I wish we had longer." He gently kisses Nate's chest. "We have to get up and I have to, to tell the Commander." If he vanishes without saying anything, there'd be hell to pay. It wouldn't be the Darkspawn that killed them, likely, and they wouldn't die together.

[pinprick]

Nathaniel kisses that beautiful hair, which has some silver in with the gold these days but is no less lovely. A few heartbeats pass before he speaks.

"We don't have to get up immediately," he says softly. "We're in no hurry. Can't we take a few hours more?"

Just a few more hours. And after that, a few more hours, and a few more hours. Pretending nothing is different and they can go on like this forever and aren't about to die. It's starting to sink in, and Nathaniel can barely hold on. He can't cry, he can't be afraid, he needs to be strong for Anders.

[justice_is_blond]

He knows there will be more requests for a few more hours after this, but he can't refuse this first one. The commander can wait a short time. Anders shifts upward and kisses Nate on the lips, softly at first but then getting more insistent.

"A few more hours," he whispers breathlessly against Nate's thin lips. "A little time for us." A little time to pretend this wasn't the last time they'd wake together in this bed, their bed, a little time to pretend they could have a happy life.

"Oh, my love." More kisses, as his hands slid up Nate's back to pull the archer as close as possible. "I'm so sorry."

[pinprick]

Nathaniel chokes back...something. A cry, a sob, a denial. This is the end of his life. There's nothing to be done about it. He kisses him and remembers what it is to be alive, to share life.

"Anything--" kiss "--you have been waiting to try?" This is their last chance, or close to it. He's certain they will be together many times before the end, but this may be the last time in their own home.

[justice_is_blond]

The noise breaks his heart. Nate had deserved so much better than he got in life, his parents ruining his life and chances, forced to Join, falling for a broken man... He deserved a happy ending that he wasn't going to get.

"I want to make love. Slow and, and thorough, with you seated deep inside me at the end." His hands slide down Nate's back, now, mapping it out. "I want to memorize you all over again. I want to yield to you and enjoy the best person that ever came into my life one more time."

He's quite certain they'll fuck a few frantic times yet before the end. He wants something sweet in the time they have left, though. "Be with me for these few hours."