A Heavy Heart to Carry - PSL with apostasy

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I was a heavy heart to carry
my beloved was weighed down
my arms around his neck
my fingers laced to crown
I was a heavy heart to carry
but he never let me down
when he held me in his arms
my feet never touched the ground

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"Are you sure about this?" Nathaniel asks him softly. They're in the cellar of their house, a safe place with no windows. Anders has made his preparations. Nathaniel's hand rests delicately on one of Anders' hips, reluctant to cling and more reluctant to let go.

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"No," Anders responded honestly. He had been with Justice for so long now, he wasn't sure what he would be without him. "But this is for our friend. He deserves to be free, and to go back home."

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So do you, Nathaniel wants to say. He wraps his arm around Anders' waist and draws him close for a kiss.

"I'm proud of you," he says quietly. "So, so proud."

[apostasy]

The kiss helps. It's comforting. He feels stronger when Nate is there. It's good to know that he's not alone.

He pulled away from the embrace after enjoying it openly for a bit. "Time to get started, I think."

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Nate touches their foreheads together gently, then releases him.

He doesn't wish him well, or give any indication that he may be afraid of the effect on Anders. He folds his arms, tense and nervous, watching like a hawk.

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Anders pulls away slowly and then starts the ritual. It's very simple, not that he has it. It even seems a little too simple, if he's honest, but the Avaar have been doing it for so long that it has to work.

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Nathaniel stands back, increasingly nervous as time goes on.

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The ritual is actually pretty simple. The Avaar treat spirits as their gods and the ritual requires a sacrifice to them. It's a little too close to blood magic for him to be entirely comfortable, but at least he's not making any deals with demons for that power.

He has to drink some lyrium to prepare and burn the body of a sparrow. Then there's a focus of his power. The blue light that comes over him is powerful, almost too bright for Nathaniel to keep his eyes open.

When it clears, though, there is a faded green figure of a suit of armor almost hoovering above where Anders is leaning on the ground. He's there for only a moment. Anders reaches up as if trying to touch him, and then he's gone.

There's silence. Anders wobbles for a moment and then collapses.

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It's like Anders breathed in, and breathed Justice out.

The moment Anders wobbles, Nathaniel races toward him, catching him in his arms just an instant before he hits the floor, then lowering him gently the rest of the way. He cradles him possessively and touches his face, checking desperately for breath and pulse.

"My love? Anders?"

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Anders is still breathing and his heart is still beating. The spell just took a lot from him. He groans a bit and turns his head into Nathaniel's touch. He mutters softly, but it's too muddled to make out what it is.

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Thank the Maker. Nathaniel presses a relieved kiss to his forehead, lingering there as he sends up a prayer of thanks. Then he turns his ear to Anders' lips.

"What was that, love?"

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"My head hurts," Anders manages to say finally. His voice is still slurred a bit. He feels completely drained and the headache feels a bit like a hang over, or one you'd get when you were dehydrated.

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"We'll get you straight to bed." It's a bit awkward, but Nathaniel is a big, strong man. He prepares to lift Anders in his arms. "Put your arms round my neck."

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Anders shifts so that his arms can slide around Nathaniel. This wouldn't be so awkward if Anders wasn't so tall, but they manage. When he gets to bed he groans happily and turns his face into his pillow.

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Nathaniel pulls off Anders' shoes, then his own, then fetches a glass of water to set at the bedside table before sliding into bed with him. He spoons Anders from behind, wrapping his arms around him, preparing to hunker down until Anders wakes.

Justice is in the Fade now. Nathaniel covers as much of Anders with his own body as he can, as if he can shield him.

You protected him for ten years. Rest now. I have it from here.

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Anders sleeps for a little while as he regains some of his strength. When he wakes, Nathaniel is still there and he groans again and then turns so that he can put his arm around his lover's body.

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Nathaniel cuddles him, pressing chaste kisses against his mouth before muttering, "How do you feel?"

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"Empty," Anders replies after a moment. He really isn't sure how to describe what he is experiencing in any other terms. He is simply empty.

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Nathaniel pulls back to look Anders in the eye for a moment, studying to see whether there are any signs of Tranquility. In case the ritual went wrong somehow.

"Sad? Relieved?"

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Those honey eyes are as bright as ever, though a little tired still. "I'm not certain," he answers after a moment and as he regains his energy it's much easier to hear the inflection and emotion in his voice. He sounds thoughtful and a little resigned. "I feel..." He waits for a moment then bites his lip as he thinks about it. "Lonely. Solitary. Empty."

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"Look at me."

If Anders does, he'll see Nathaniel's full attention on him, as if he is his entire world.

"You're not alone. You'll get used to having your own head to yourself in a little time, just as you got used to sharing it. And I'll be with you every minute."

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Anders does look at him and feels overcome by not only that attention, but the words that come with it. Rather than speaking, he leans up and kisses Nathaniel gently.

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Nathaniel returns the kiss with as much gentleness as is given to him. Careful, worried about pushing too far.

"Are you hungry?"

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"Mm," Anders makes a sound of agreement. "That spell completely drained me. Food sounds wonderful." Then he chuckles a bit. "This is the moment when we miss all of those modern conveniences back in Eudio."

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"We still have battery power in some of the toys we brought back, don't we?" Nathaniel has been using those very judiciously, only when they count the most. He presses another kiss to Anders' mouth.

"I'll be back with food. You just relax."

He climbs off the bed and heads into the hall.

He loves this house so much. He loved their apartment for being their first home together, but this is the real thing. This is where they really begin their lives together, each beautiful day on the way to the end, a fulfillment of the hope of love.